Butch / Femme Bullshit

26 March, 2013

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with society’s gender expectations. It’s probably because my parents tried to raise me and my sister gender-neutral – at least, that’s what I was told. Despite the party line, my sister had Barbie dolls, and once when I was very young my sister and I swapped clothes – Dad came out into the yard and told me off: “You know what they call boys who wear dresses, don’t you?” Actually, I had no idea, and he didn’t clarify the issue for me.

But this isn’t going to turn into some story about transvestitism or sex change, or using trendy words like “ver” and “cis”. I’ve never had a problem with my gender or sex. Sex: I have XY chromosomes, so I’m male. Gender: I’m not masculine or feminine, I’m ME. I really don’t understand the issue everyone else seems to have with gender – “OMG I’m too/too little masculine/feminine.” It’s like worrying that you like or don’t like tomatoes – it doesn’t matter, and it has no moral implications.

But I’m the only one who thinks like that. Gay or straight, progressive or conservative, everyone seems to buy into the fundamental importance of gender. The only difference is that some people flip the usual sex/gender alignment. So what? It’s still the same old game: one is assertive, the other is receptive. This is assumed to be the only possible sexual model.

And yes, although having no interest in gender roles has been inconvenient for me (being bullied or dismissed for being “queer” because I don’t play the masculine game), the saddest implication of all this plays out in the bedroom. The mandatory masculine/feminine roles mean that sex always has to be about power. The truth which we are not permitted to deny: you can’t have sex without the ruler and the ruled, however liberal or queer the participants may claim to be. I play these games only grudgingly and never with real pleasure. My partners sense my disinterest in the game, and GTFO ASAP.

I have noticed some dominance games in my sexual imagination in recent years, which I think derive from porn. Porn is based very much on the gender game – male = predatory brute, female = exhibitionist victim. Feminists complain about the sexual victimisation of women and the feminine, but usually blame it on men, maleness, masculinity, patriarchy. They don’t take into account that these roles are enforced just as much by feminine-identified people as by masculine.

You are probably struggling to understand my point of view. It’s okay – I’m coming to accept that I am in a minority of one. Insisting on being myself without regard for the demands of gender roles (apart from fairly conventional dress, for defensive purposes) inevitably alienates me from society, plus means I don’t get laid. It’s lonely, of course, but I couldn’t live with the empty falsity of the alternative.

[This post was written because I tried to talk about these issues in a forum thread called “Delusions of gender” – I was banned for “narrow-minded bullshit”, because I mocked the whole butch/femme game that even “genderqueers” play (I did not criticise any individuals). Are people who take gender roles seriously an oppressed minority? Very fucking far from it. I guess I just touched a nerve.]

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Butch / Femme Bullshit”

  1. jaguarpython Says:

    Prescriptive gender & sexual orientation labels and the subcultures that surround them even in this day and age are pretty destructive. My gender identity is fluid but I don’t really think about it. It’s interesting, though, what people project onto my outside appearance, especially when it comes to dating and sex. Girls tend to expect me to take a more proactive and dominant role while guys tend to expect the reverse. Maybe I don’t want to buy into that bullshit? It’s fine if you *want* to, but I want to be with someone who is and considers themselves and who I consider my equal.


  2. […] Butch / Femme Bullshit (eyeresist.wordpress.com) […]


  3. Reblogged this on thunderwordzpress and commented:
    Its refreshing to here this from a male prespective.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: